WTF Wednesday

Is it bad to be all 'not care-ee, I wanna be alone' already? I mean I know myself pretty dam well and I don't get like that unless some shit is making me like that. I'm just really sick of most of the people I'm around. It may just be my bleeding-ness [PD], but I really think that it's just the whole situation I'm in. I gotta stop. But stop what? I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just being me. And I'm so dam sick of the judgmental holier than thou people I am around now. JIGGAS PLAY TOO MUCH!! I need to branch. But branch where? Maybe I'm just a bit bipolar as it seems now. I must find some outlet. Someone I can trust. And for once I don't think that person is going to come in the form of a female. I am so used to confiding my deepest emotions to a chick from round the block that I've known and been through enough with to trust and feel completely comfortable around. But there is no such thing so far. I must do something to change that.

And I wonder as well why people look at me a certain way. Like as if a am a leper or something until they get to know me. I notice that, but maybe that is me being too observational. Too analytical. Who knows. I Wish I did. But I think way too much and I haven't found my niche or my outlet to let all that go. I love to sing, but all that does for me is make me happy, not release all the tension from within me. Maybe being sick , and not having a voice is doing this to me. I never realized how much I loved to talk and sing until it was taken away. It will be given back really soon hopefully, but I want it back SOOO badly. Not just my voice that makes me heard. But my internal voice that keeps me going, and makes me forget the bad and overlook the worse.

I really wish I could overlook the worst now. I am fine and content. But who desires to live with naught but contentment? I want to live with happiness. Self-love, and Self-acceptance. But when and how will that come? I need someone to show me that but who? I have a couple ideas, but they have been dreamed up and not realized. And the dreams that they are conjured in keep me stoic and the subject the proactive one. When will I just suck it up and become proactive?

WHEN?!?!?!? DAMMIT!!!!

Peace

P.S. for now